Lost
by papilionette
Summary: Hermione lost many things in only a matter of few weeks. She lost the man she thought she loved, the love she thought she needed and the baby she thought was a kind of bandaid to heal it all. Luckily she found out that not everything is what it seems.


Never would Hermione have imagined it would come this far. That she would be left alone again and even feeling more unwanted and unloved then before. She lost a lot that week, not only the love of her life, but also the affection and love she believed in, that came with it. And most importantly she lost their baby, because of her own poorly made decision based on merely intellect and not an ounce of feeling. The only thing that would have kept Hermione to him, even if it was a carefully preserved lie that would whisper sweet words day and night about how much he loved her and her their baby. She had believed everything so willingly, damaged up so many friendships for being with him. Proudly she had flaunted their relationship, because she had believed in it even though she had proclaimed never to love again. But slowly Hermione did fall in love, even told him she loved him, but it all didn't matter anymore. He had left her, after she had send him away. Over a silly little spat that turned out to become so much more, showing her his true nature and the foolishness of her silly little dreams of hope.

They had been together for months and even though she sometimes had some doubts about their relationship, she never expected that he would care so less and that it would end. It must have been those misleading but gentle caresses at night and that silky toned voice that led her to believe in things that weren't there and block out every alarm bell that may have rung to warn her for him. But the truth turned out to be harsh and cold.

It started the night she found out she was pregnant. He was away, said he needed to run errors and would stay at the Leaky Cauldron for the night. Hermione had felt sick for weeks and just to be sure she casted a pregnancy spell, never knowing the outcome would turn out to be that disastrous. It would turn pink if she was pregnant and blue if she was not. Imagine the panic when she saw a soft pink light emerge from her belly. In her panic she hastily jotted down some lines on a parchment and had sent away an owl to him. But a reaction never came that night. Worried that he didn't want to hear it, only unsettled her more and her panic grew. The only thing left to do was making the choice of sitting in their bed crying all alone or owl a friend. Hermione didn't wait long to make her decision and it only took a few minutes before Ginny had flooed to her private chambers at Hogwarts. Of course Ginny was shocked at hearing the devastating news, but she managed to calm Hermione down just enough so she could sleep again.

The next evening he was back and that's when she decided to bring up the subject, seeing that didn't seem to have heard the new. He probably never received the owl she had sent him. That night he held her in his arms, while she cried and told him the news of her pregnancy. Hermione knew she could never keep the baby. The times were too dark and she was to young. She did not want to give up her teaching position for a baby. Beforehand she already knew what his reaction would be to solving this 'problem'. He always told her that he didn't want children now, perhaps in the future and she agreed. So they agreed she would abort the pregnancy as soon as possible, seeing as she probably was only a few weeks along.

After that night he never really spoke of it anymore and even though she occasionally tried to share her feelings with him or tried to ask his point of view of the matter, the answer always was; "There was a problem, but now there is a solution. I do not try to think of it that much because I can't handle that too well. I have enough on my mind already." It did not motivate Hermione to speak much more of it. Eventually hormones took over and one night she fought with him about it. That day she had made an appointment with St. Mungo's for the procedure next week, but he failed to ask her why she called St. Mungo's or even failed to notice her soft sobs when she received the owl confirming her appointment. He left without saying a word and went on with his own classes like nothing even happened. So that night Hermione couldn't remain quiet and tried to tell him how she was feeling about his inconsiderate behaviour. After a few remarks he promised he would be more considerate and of course Hermione believed it, also because they would go on a romantic weekend that Friday. They had planned it for months now. Hermione was so willing to believe it.

When they left for their weekend at his mansion, he was only paying attention to Hermione. Cooking for her, lighting the candles, massaging her shoulders, even asking her to dance, even though she knew that he hated to dance. He seemed to do everything that evening to make her happy. But when the lights went out on Friday night it all went downhill. That morning he promised he would only be away for a few hours, just playing around with his favourite hobby. Of course she approved, she had brought along a few books of her own that she wanted to read. At noon he returned for lunch and they had such a lovely lunch. Secretly he had ordered some house elves to make their lunch, something she didn't approve of. But it was only a minor disagreement, not something to worry about, but still he left, back to the basement.

That evening she tried her hand at making a romantic diner for him and did her best to make his favourite dishes. Mashed potatoes, Brussels sprouts and a hamburger with onion rings and a dash of garlic. She even lit the candles. but eventually she was left there with nobody but herself to eat that meal, because he didn't come upstairs for diner. Later that evening when she silently cried in bed, she heard him come in and held her breath. But he just sagged down on the bed with a coppery smell still lingering around him and fell asleep without him even snuggling up to her like he normally did. Normally Hermione wasn't that easily angered, but right then she was seething with anger.

The next day she ignored him most of the day, refusing to look up from her book when he spoke to her. After he called her childish, he left again back to his precious basement. It wasn't until later that day that they would be going back and Hermione found the silence to be dreadful and infuriating at the same time. Several times she considered to apologize herself just to clear the tension that was thickening between them, but at the same time she blamed him for ruining their weekend together, so she kept silent. Refusing to say another word until he apologized. But by the time he realized what was troubling her and tried to apologize, she was too furious to let it go that easily. Hermione felt that it couldn't be mended by simply kissing it away and was to angry to be reasonable. So back at Hogwarts she had sent him away from her private chambers where they usually slept and told him to sleep at his own quarters. Not wanting to see him until she had calmed down.

The rest of the week was mostly spent in anxiety because of the procedure that was at hand, that would remove the evidence of them spending one evening together unsafely and also because Hermione was afraid to speak to him. She was afraid to speak to him, because she knew she had been unreasonable. Even if she had a good reason for it. Hermione was never was one to jump on confrontations when it meant she could lose something precious. This time it was her relationship at stake. At the same time she also knew it was creating a thick brick wall between them and somehow she was unable to stop it. She was to stubborn to let go of her anger and to afraid to show her feelings to him. She managed to avoid him while working by eating her meals solitary at her chambers, taking different routes to her chambers knowing he would not take them.

But then the day of the procedure came. The day that she would be rid of their 'problem', their child. Hermione did not doubt for a moment to abort her pregnancy, but she still was afraid and was feeling incredibly lonely when she noticed that she was the only one there without a husband or a boyfriend. That very moment she desperately wished he could hear her innermost thoughts and would Apparate to her in a flash. But he never came. Not to hold her hand while she drank the potion or when the healer flicked his wand to complete the effect of the potion with a spell. He didn't came to hold her close to his heart, so it's beating sound would relax her and stop her thinking about what happened. Nobody came and the worse part about it was, that she felt like she made the mistake of her life.

Even though he didn't hear her silent pleas for him to come, Hermione did expect there to be an owl, hovering closely to her window with a small parchment attached to it's claw. But that wasn't even there. She called in sick and waited for him to show up. Desperately hoping for some sort of acknowledgement of the abortion. It wasn't until Sunday that she received an owl from him.

_Dear Hermione, _

_We should speak about argument from last week._

_I've been waiting for an owl or a floocall, but nothing ever came._

_Where do you want our relationship to go?_

_Love, _

His. It was from him. He actually had the nerve to ask her that kind of questions even though she was still feeling sick from the potion. It all seemed so trivial to her. She just didn't understand. Didn't he want to know what happened? Didn't he care? Was she actually supposed to owl him about what happened? Her pent up anger only flared up again and she decided to Incendio the parchment and ignore it. The next day she went back to her duties as teacher and she met him in the hallways on her way to her classroom. It was so awkward. He only said hello and asked her if she wanted to continue the relationship. Softly muttering Hermione told him that she wouldn't discuss such matters with him in a hallway full of students. Only for a second it looked like he was at loss, but then he straightened his face in his usual scowl and told her he had lessons to attend. When he turned around the corner, Hermione sagged down on the floor and started to cry. Not caring if someone saw her, but the students already fled to their respective classes again. She sat there for almost an hour till her tears were dried up again and she could regain her composure.

After classes were over and Hermione had retired to her chambers she heard a familiar knock on the door. Her heart started beating like a maniac, knowing what she had decided that morning. Unable to look at him she opened the door, letting him in. They both didn't say much at first, but after they both sat down, the fighting started again. Mostly about Hermione's trip to St. Mungo's. She told him how alone she felt there and how miserable she was afterwards, hoping for some kind of response from him after the procedure was done. She cried and she kept gushing out al her feelings and everything that she felt was wrong. He tried to counteract it by coolly saying that she was just as much as fault as him, because he felt Hermione should have known about the way he was. Unable to express his feelings. He told her that he never knew how to express his feelings, because he never learned it. But somehow it all just sounded like a lame excuse to her. Making her feel guilty about something she hoped he could've changed for her. Perhaps he was right, but deep in her heart she knew that it wasn't going to work.

It was not just about expressing feelings, but also about some lacking human standards and morals. Hermione told him so. She told him lots of things, hoping she would clarify the way she felt about everything that happened, but he continued to counteract it with useless comments and accusations. So she finally became silent again. The last thing he asked was if she wanted to continue their relationship. "Not the way it is right now." Hermione wanted to say so many other things, so it wouldn't sound that harsh, like _It's not healthy for the both of us to continue this relation_ or _I think it's for the best if we ended this now_. But somehow she couldn't bring herself to saying that way and just like that it was over. He remained silent for a few minutes and then stood up, to walk out of her life forever. He never returned to ask how things could go better, what he should change in order of keeping her close. He just walked out of the door and even left the castle without any notice. It seemed like he just disappeared into thin air and never came back.

It took her a week before her tears were finally dried up. Nights and days were spent in bed where Hermione was desperately asking herself if she wasn't the one to blame. That she had brought it on herself by letting him go that easily. It felt like she never even fought for their relationship. Whatever her friends might have told her, it never reached her ears. She wept for the loss of their love, for the loss of their child. All she could do was cry even sleeping proved to be a difficult task. But after that week she decided to get up and move on with her life as normally as possible. It didn't work that well. Everywhere she looked she thought she saw him. Just passing around a corner or hiding in the shadows. It wasn't until a week later that she became angry again, realizing he never said I love you again, after she told him about the pregnancy. It all started to feel like a lie, as if he never cared about her in the first place. Just a subtle ruse to convince her that she was safe with him. Hermione even started to suspect he only told her that because he wanted to bed her. She finally realized it was idiotic to think that a baby would have been the answer to salvaging their She still loved him, but also knew that he probably never loved her the way she loved him. And even if he did love her the same way she did, he would probably never tell her even if he was coming back.

Hermione still felt lonely, scared, unwanted and unloved, but she did knew something else. That she wasn't going to let that or Severus Snape stop her from living again.


End file.
